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We keep it no secret that we don't believe in a 'God.'
While Dean has spent most of his life as an "atheist" I myself was always unsure what I believed. I was happy to just go with the flow, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't...
After Archer died, regardless of what I believed, I begged god for him back. I fucking begged harder than I think anyone ever has. If there were a god, he was a cruel and sadistic god to first take away a little boy and then to watch as a heartbroken mother pleaded and bargained with him to take her instead.
While sometimes a great tragedy pushes people even more so towards their faith, it helps them to find comfort, it brings them some sort of meaning, it gives them the hope that they will one day see their loved one again - for me, it was the opposite. The death of my son was cold, hard proof that there is no god.
The other day however, while I was standing in the bathroom putting my make up on thinking about the upcoming "1 year anniversary" of Archers death, I found myself thanking someone for giving me the strength to survive this first year. "What the fuck?" I thought to myself, Who the hell are you thanking? God? Are you seriously thanking a mythical fairy tale (as Dean likes to call it) for giving you strength? Thanking someone who firstly would of been the one responsible for taking your little boy away and then the one who sat and watched while you helplessly made your way through your grief? No, no, no.
How many others go through their lives thanking this "god" for giving them strength, for bringing them comfort, for 'saving' them? No 'God' should be taking the credit away from those who truly deserve the thanks.
Firstly, you should be thanking yourself. I have never been brave, strong, or even the slightest bit positive about most things - but I had to find those attributes somewhere deep inside myself in order to survive.
I think we all have the thoughts of how we would react if a disaster struck. If we were to be diagnosed with terminal cancer, would we spend the rest of our days crying and giving up on our body that has already clearly given up on us? Or would we savor every last breath we had, travel for as long as we can, spend time with our loved ones and then leave this world with our head held high?
If we were to lose a child, would we simply end it all for the thought of going on without them is too unbearable and life is simply not worth living with such a heavy pain to carry? Or would we strive to survive, work hard to become the person our child would have wanted us to be, live our life for not only our self, but now for 2?
Most of us are lucky enough never to be faced with the "will I be bitter or will I be better" crossroads, but if you do happen to stumble across that fork in the road - please remember that which way you go is dependent all on you.
Don't get me wrong, my life is no fucking picnic. Sometimes no amount of positive thinking and strength will cut it. It's not all magical rainbows, kittens and good vibes getting me through, the strength can abandon me in the blink of an eye and when it does that's when my husband will take over. He is the second lot of thanks.
He is the glue that keeps me together, well, at least the glue that puts me back together after I've fallen into a million pieces. He carries his own worries and fears and then loads mine on top of it all, to carry it with his until I'm ready to carry it again myself. He is the one who cops the depressed and angry Chloe when she comes home after a "good" day, because she is exhausted from putting on a face. He is the one who simply gets it. No words other than "I miss him" need to come out of my mouth because most of the time a simple look or a tear-stained cuddle will suffice and I know he understands.
Thirdly, is the family. The family Who are there, through the good, the bad and the seriously Fucking ugly. The family who don't have to say a word because even though they don't know, or understand completely, they try their hardest. The family who stepped up from the very first moment to help us even though they were full of pain themselves. The ones who stood back and waited patiently while we quickly fell apart and then slowly came together again. They waited and continued to wait until we were ready to be apart of the family and the world again. They never spoke harsh words or rushed our grief. One year on if I have a "sad" day and want to shut myself away - there's no questioning it, they say kind words and they wait a little longer.
Lastly, is the friends. If there is one thing you will learn while you are surrounded by suffering, it's that not everyone is cut out to be surrounded by it with you. Some will simply drift away slowly, with the odd message here or there that will soon come to cease. Some will disappear immediately, because, fuck that is just way too hard to deal with. Then there are those who simply refuse to leave your side.
Our friends visited, even when we said "maybe another time" because they didn't want us to feel alone, or feel shut out - yet at the same time they knew when "maybe another time" REALLY meant, maybe another time.[endif]
They took our daughter to the movies, to their house, attempted sleepovers - to try and give us space but at the same time try and give her some sort of "normal" school holiday experience. Sometimes Dean's friends would drive all the way to our house, sit in the lounge room with him for 15 minutes and then leave - just to be there, just for a minute.
Everything we read said that friends would drop off, that soon they would give us the old "OK that's long enough" and simply expect us to get on with our lives without a mention of Archer or bad day but not once have our friends failed us.
Just the other day one of those friends said to me "It just feels like I haven't seen him for a while" and my heart dropped - because that's exactly how I feel. Sometimes, it just feels like he's gone for a nap, or is at his nannies and he'll be home soon... to hear someone else express it like that, meant so much.
So there you have it. That is where the thanks should go, to the people who are there ready to walk beside you through it all, not the 'God' who seems to take credit where credit is not due.
